EPISODE 3: 'Sasha the Pasha'

This week's "The Bachelorette Australia" was disappointedly devoid of drama.

After last week's action-packed episode featuring the much-deserved elimination of international model David Witko for right-out calling our girl Sammy a gold digger on the look out for a "baby daddy", episode three starts off with Sasha pacing in front of the boys talking about the sacred bro-code.

He says the bro-code is more than just a made up guideline (even though it totally is). It's a term that means mutual respect to everyone in the house, and when international model David broke it, it meant that he no longer respected them.

The boys nod, agreeing; henceforth firmly cementing Sasha's status as 'Alpha' of the pack.

The talk is interrupted by Osher, the boys act surprised as if this wasn't all completely planned, and a single date card with Sasha's name on it is revealed.

Because Channel 10 used all their budget up last week on the helicopter ride to the Sydney Cricket Grounds when they could've just as easily driven there, this week's single date is all about learning the Argentine Tango - or was it the rumba?

We were obviously too distracted by Sasha's man cleavage in this outfit to remember.

Sammy quite-so-obviously has the hots for Sasha. She avoids his gaze while dancing, and giggles like a pre-teen at a Justin Bieber concert when she accidentally catches his eye.

After the lesson, they head into the courtyard for cocktails and deep and meaningfuls.

They bond over their mutual adoration for their step dads and Sasha sheds a single manly tear. The duo then heads back into the room - now in full costume - to perform the dance they had learnt in front of an audience of zero.

Sam presents Sasha with a rose, and we cut back to the mansion to see the a-dork-ably cute Will reading out the group date card.

Fancy English Alex and man-bun Drew miss out, while the other boys head out to a farmhouse to find out what they're in for.

"I don't know if you guys know this about me but I'm a huge animal lover - especially when it comes to dogs," says our leading lady.

A parade of dogs are led out, and the boys are told they'll be posing topless with them for a magazine photo shoot.

YUS! THIS IS WHAT THIS SHOW'S ABOUT.

After a fun-filled day taking pictures with puppies and finding out that quirky Will has abs, our heroine picks professional soccer player Michael as the winner of the bonus single date.

Cut to the cocktail night. Kayne grabs Sammy for a one-on-one chat and performs a rap he wrote that is so cringe-worthy, I can't even tell you her reaction, because I actually had to look away.

But I can tell you this, it started with: "yo, yo, yo check it." and ended with "happiness is on the top, I must say. Treating people with respect, everyone equal, that's my life namaste".

Sasha also gets some one-on-one time, scoring the very first kiss from our girl Sammy.

Rose ceremony comes along and man bun Drew is sent home.

EPISODE 4: The Bachelorette, Proudly sponsored by Oral B

Episode four, I think we can all agree, is a filler episode made specifically for the sponsors of the show.

The scene starts off with Sam getting ready to brush her teeth with an Oral B tooth brush, slathering Oral B toothpaste onto the tip, and rinsing with her Oral B mouthwash. Did I mention that "The Bachelorette" is proudly sponsored by Oral B?

We get a character-building, time-filling montage of Alex and his life outside of the show. He's in a tailored suit. He lives in Bondi. He's a professional. He's a learned man - okay we get it - we're meant to like this guy.

Sam heads off on her single date with fancy English Alex to fly Tiger Moth planes (poor Sasha and his cheap ol' tango lesson), before heading to the Botanical Gardens for a romantic picnic situated in front of a glass prison filled with Monarch Butterflies.

After many a conversation about feelings and an awkward three-second kiss, Alex is handed a rose securing his safety on the show for yet another day.

Alex later tells the group that he scored the first kiss - unbeknownst to him that sneaky ol' Sasha had gotten there before him.

It's group date time! and we find out that it'll be a humiliating game of trampoline dodgeball.

The six boys are split into two teams of three - or the "jocks versus the dorks," as Davey explained.

The red team (the dorks) are victorious! So Will, Kayne and Richie head off to a Turkish bath house with Sam for some quality relaxation time.

The three guys slather Sam in mud, trying desperately not to come across as creepers.

...And Richie gets some quality one-on-one time for being the captain.

At the cocktail party, not-just-a-professional-soccer-player Michael gifts Sam a deck of flash cards written with facts about himself (just stop, we already know you're going to be top two material).

He cheekily goes in for a kiss - but it's a hit and a miss.

In the end Will and Kieren (who?) are sent packing, leaving only eight more hopefuls left in the mansion.

You tried your best boys. Except you Kieren, we still have no clue who you are.